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SATIRE: Dear General Abacha, Remember Nigerians

We understand you have a certain fondness for the finer things in life – Swiss bank accounts overflowing with euros, mansions large enough to house a small nation. Perhaps, in this time of need, you could consider a... reallocation of resources?

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“Your Excellency”,

It’s your favorite countrymen (well, some of them) writing to you from the sweltering plains of Nigeria. We come bearing news, both good and, well, let’s just say “present economic realities.”

First, the good news! Remember all that, ahem, “patriotic investment” you made stashing various trinkets and financial instruments overseas? Well, thanks to the tireless efforts of lawyers who bill by the hour and international cooperation that would make a Cold War spy blush, a sizeable chunk of that change is trickling back home.

Imagine our delight! Schools that wouldn’t require textbooks held together with scotch tape? Hospitals with enough medicine to treat something besides “Nigerian Never-Give-Up-itis”? Roads that wouldn’t swallow unsuspecting Toyotas whole? The possibilities were endless!

Unfortunately, dear General, that’s where the “present economic realities” bit comes in. You see, the whole global oil price thing hasn’t exactly been kind to our national purse. Austerity is the new national dish, and let me tell you, it’s about as exciting as watching paint dry (although slightly less prone to splatter).

So, here’s our humble request, Your Excellency. We understand you have a certain fondness for the finer things in life – Swiss bank accounts overflowing with euros, mansions large enough to house a small nation. Perhaps, in this time of need, you could consider a… reallocation of resources? Think of it as a patriotic infrastructure stimulus package! Imagine the headlines: “Beloved Former Leader Makes Surprise Investment in National Wellbeing!”

We wouldn’t want to put a number on it, but let’s just say a few billion strategically placed naira could make a world of difference. Just a thought.

Of course, we understand if you’re hesitant. After all, those offshore accounts are probably like old friends by now. But remember, General, Nigerians are a sentimental bunch. A well-timed donation could do wonders for your, ahem, legacy. Who knows, you might even get a statue built in your honor (though hopefully made of sturdier stuff than the last one).

So, what do you say, Your Excellency? Nigeria needs you. Just this once, could you maybe… remember us?

With utmost sincerity (and a hint of desperation),

The People of Nigeria

P.S. Please don’t mention this letter to the EFCC. Those folks have a real thing for unsolicited financial advice.

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